braced body

at my elementary school library, 

routine scoliosis checks are done in 2012 

(no longer mandated in California schools due to funding cuts) 

my curve is discovered.

to children's hospital I go for treatment

where bracing is presented as the only option

to prevent curve progression and vital organ damage, or surgery.

I’m not referred to physical therapy.

I visit the office of a child actor’s father, a prosthetics specialist,

where I don skin-tight material 

and am restrained to a glass table for measurement

“should we leave her on the table?” he jokes to my family

a Boston brace with purple cheetah print is custom-made

I try it weeks later, pulling two velcro straps

to tighten the plastic shell around my torso

I’m told to wear it 20 hours a day until I “stop growing”

I’m not referred to physical therapy.

starting with feelings of extreme discomfort,

I become more comfortable within its confines than outside it.

then I lose my core strength,

and weakness follows when unbraced.

I feel caged in my body. 

thinking my body was gross 

wasn’t helped by the brace, now a shell to hide in.

I’m not referred to physical therapy.

bracing for “20 hours a day”, I run from 

uniformed school to 60mph in a car for hours a day

to exhausted sleep, not enough.

unbraced, “4 hours a day”, I play team soccer, 

sing concerts, act in shows,

awaiting the velcro scratch of relief 

when I take the brace off after long drives,

exit the car in full uniform to sing, 

and pull it back on for the drive home.

often more than 4 hours unbraced, 

but I don’t feel I have a choice

I’m not referred to physical therapy.

After 2 years of bracing, it’s determined my bones are skeletally mature,

my curve is unlikely to progress further, and I am weaned off the brace.

I’m told the brace is smelly, and it’s tossed in the trash.

I’m not referred to physical therapy,

my unbraced curve isn’t monitored for a year,

it increases 20 degrees, and surgery is the only recommendation.