dangers of a cheery disposition

looking back on how i got to surgery,

you see biopsychosocial indications 

that something different than bones is awry:

i approach each doctor’s appointment 

and discussion of my scoliosis

with a cheery, upbeat disposition,

not revealing how it wears on me,

“a well-nourished female in no acute distress”.

i have "rock-hard abs," i joke with peers, 

knocking my plastic stomach for their amusement

 in my school uniform, tucked in polo shirt and red plaid skirt

over the brace, hiding it, following uniform rules.

i take trips to the bathroom before and 

after physical education class twice a week 

to unbrace in privacy.

i feel self-conscious carrying it outside,

revealing my non-conformity.

i tire of separate trips, 

of feeling disruptive, reminding teachers

to excuse me from class 5 minutes early.

i stop self-advocating, instead, 

i follow my class to P.E., sit on the blue metal benches with backpacks, 

lift my shirt, and scritchhhh, the velcro comes off.

i pull out a purple cheetah from under my shirt.

i feel stared at, perhaps only imagined judgment, 

but my hypersensitivity is triggered.

sick of feeling different and pretending i am okay.

peers see me teary-eyed at the ends of P.E. days. 

some ask if i’m okay, then regret it when 

it triggers full panic attacks,

now a regular occurrence for me after school, 

some call me “cry baby”

disappointment lack of agency in treatment options physical stress hating my asymmetrical body frustration suffocating schedule i feel no control over exhaustion 

turns into depression, anxiety, panic

i wipe my tears

get in a second uniform 

sit in a car for an hour

go to choir rehearsal

sing at the hollywood bowl

learn about secondary dominants and Italian augmented 6th chords

perform at galas, gracious with esteemed guests

quiet and polite around parents’ friends

“seen and not heard”

a teachers’ favorite, though they note i could participate more in class,

i hope my quiet excellence will cancel the emotional pain

i still brace 20 hours a day